12.09.08

"often it's the most deserving people
who cannot help loving those who destroy them."

currently listening to: gravity -thanh bui

foiasdlkjfkaldkfjadf. gahddd. it happened again.. im hurt again.. i just put my heart on tha line.. again. and got nothing in return. my ex's bf breaks up with her.. then i pretty much spend 2 or 3 days talking to her.. everything is fine.. then they get back together this morning. i think i'm fine but i'm really not.. i dont know.. blah this really sucks. but what can i do right? i guess i just have to let go. if she wants me back in her life then she will make that happen. im sick of waitin for her to come around. i hate this.. ='(.. i just need strength. please.. someone...

11.02.08

"i love you more than everything in the world combined. Isn't that enough?"

currently listening to: dont' tell me it's over -git fresh (aka deepside)

gahhd..havnt written in this in a while.. but update on my life.. it STiLL sucks. maybe just as worse as it's always been. i hate this. first my phone breaks then my dad doesnt get unlimited like he says. what a fuckin shameee. BOFILKHADFADF. but ugh. me and my ex fuckin talk and shit.. like i fuckin give in again.. again.. can you believe it? then i like fuckin admit how weak i am and she just says it's okay and that she is sorry.. for everything.. and that she would take me back if i ever asked and that she jus doesnt wanna hurt me.. how tha fuck is that supposed to make me feel.. like i fuckin say i love you of course.. cuzh i do. i still love her. i cant help it. it's like i can be so pissed but tha person it all comes down to is her.. like jokingly after makin her say i love you too..in a cute way she asks me if we're going out.. like haiogflkhjadfa. then later that day i see a video of her and her bf.. and it hurts. so when she calls me i dont answer in a happy way then she gets mad at me.. so i call her like i always do.. being tha person who gives up thare pride.. and shit. and she doesnt pick up.. at all. then i text her sayin how she always takes tah easy way when it comes to us and thas it.. like raojklerhdjfaerdf fuckin tahs it.. how can someone love a person who treats them like shit.. then i keep talking to all my friends and they keep tellin me tha same shit.. just dont go back.. and it's like tha one thing i would do is go back.. nobody understands me except for one person. i really dont know what i'd do without her. peanut means tha fuckin world to me. she understands my situation.. i really dont know what id do without her.. so im gna listen to her and not contact my ex for a while.. or until she does. believ me i jus wna give in and call her.. but i guess this is a test. if my ex still has feelings for me she'll call and try to fix it.. and i know thare isnt a time limit but i wanna put one. it's like i cant wait forever you know.. and i know for sure she's breakin up with her bf but i dont know . i cant just go back like that. like a fuckin rebound like i always am. just someone that will always love her when she's sick of everyone else.. it hurts bein second to everyone else.. but like talkin to my cousin made me realize a shit load. like he was complainin and shit about his gf. and like it made me realize how much i love my ex.. like how i was so happy and everything with her. like i miss everything.. she made my life worthwhile.. i miss it.. let's see.. what i remember.. uhm spending her sweet 16 with her.. bus rides to each other's houses.. and how we would try so hard to see each other even for a little. our cute notes to each other.. sayin how thare would never be anyone else.. sayin how if we'd ever break up we'd still stay friends.. i'll always love you baby.. i love you i love you i love you.. mwah mwah mwah.. =(.. kissing her on tha forehead when i think she's sleepin when she really isnt.. tucking her into bed.. staying on tha fone all night.. pulling back everytime she tries to kiss me.. cuddling.. watching movies together.. holding hands.. haha remember that one time baby where you hit me with your binder and all tha shit came out? .. remember baby? my birthday baby.. 7/3/06.. make a wish.. will you restart with me? christmass.. our favorite leaf.. k+m .. =) + =]..walkin in tha city at night.. i still remember my promise.. do you remember yours? that you would never leave me.. that you didnt wanna see me cry.. baby..i miss you so much. i havent stopped thinkin about you.. i still want to be with you it just hurts baby. you hurt me.. gahd i miss you.. this sucks.. like i cant regret anything when it comes to us chz you were everythign that i wanted. you showed me how to love.. i havnt given up on you yet..but you have. it hurts hearin about you.. seein all these people happy and i just wna be happy too. i always wish for you every night at 11:11.. for me to be happy and thas only if you're with me.. sometimes i wish i had tha strength to just let go.. i have a feeling i'm being sent all tehse signs that we arent supposed to be toghter but i just cant give up.. i dont know. it doesnt feel right.. but i know eventually i'm going to have to.. but as of right now baby, as of this very moment. i love you. and i will always love you. i hope you remember that. no matter what happens between us int ha end. you will always have tha biggest part of me.. you will always be tha one i think of.. i love you.. with all my heart. always and forever baby. 010805.

09.28.08

"Isn't it funny how day-by-day nothing changes ..
but when you look back, everything is different."

currently listening to: let it rock -kevin rudolf feat. lil wayne

my life really sucks..my ex is such a fuckin bitch i swear. so last night went to a party and she's wid her fuckin bf. then she bring him home wid her friend and she fuckin comes back with her ex. i just found out who she really is. she's a fuckin hoe. she always fucks up everyone's life. she's never satisfied. she is NOT tha person that i fell in love with before..what happend to everything we had..it means nothing to me anymore. i'm gonna burn all our memories. i'm so sick of all this shit. all i'm doin is fuckin up my life by still lovin her. FUCK her. fuck love. fuck everything. i'm fuckin pissed off. i fuckin hate her. i hate who she became and what she did to me. i'm fuckin done. NEXTTT.

09.02.08

"Missing someone isn't about how long it's been since you've seen them last,
or the amount of time since you've talked.
It's about that very moment when you're doing something,
and you wish, you wish that they were right there with you."

currently listening to: miss independent -neyo

yeahh..soo fuck school work. i cant even concentrate. half tha time i'm either out doin some other sht like workin out or chillin wif my cousin that i dont even wna come back to my dorm and do actual work. i really need to get my sht together. it's like i get distracted easily by tha littlest things on tha computer. i wnt a macbook tho! lol. well, today me and my cousin worked out and of course tha cutie from my class WOULD be thare which made things a lot more harder but it's okay chz we didnt even acknowledge each other. buttt, things are startin to kinda look up. everytime i work out i think of positive things. it's like tha more i think about what my ex did tha more easier it is for me to let go..like hearin things bout her ex buyin her all this sht just gets me all worked up and i start not carin at all. which i find good. i wish things would just die down for me. i really wna find someone i can relate to again. i know things wont ever be tha same between me and my ex because of all tha sht she put me through. i'm not playin tha blame game but she really fckd my life up. like i couldnt think strate for tha past couple of years and now im tryin to FiNALLY move on. like after all this time, i wna say tht im ready but it's kinda really early to tell. i'm always goin through tht cycle of should i go back or not? you know..but for real. this time i deleted all forms of connection i hav to seein what she is up to and sht. i really need to focus on tha new me, tha new improved, moved on me. haha! i know that sounds gay but ima really try. all i can do now is hope for tha better and pray that god gives me tha strength to move on. but i really thank god for each and every day he has given me. i really do appreciate my life. it's just sometimes i am blinded from what good i have. i mean i have a good family, the best friends, i pretty mch hav it all. except for a macbook. ;]. haha! jokkkeee. i really do appreciate it tho. and i wish i could just forget everything about my past..it's kind of one of those withdrawal symptoms. like my ex keeps comin back to me in a way and i keep goin back too. i dont know. i just need to focus now tho. so starting now..ima get my life together. the end. :]].

08.30.08

"Sometimes someone comes into your life that changes everything,
raises your standards, makes you laugh,
and makes you feel like you.
There's something about this person that you can't put into words.
And even though you're not even with this person you don't wanna let them go."

currently listening to: a million miles -rl

gahhh. life is fuckin stressful right now. i'm pretty mch just breakin down..=(. to start off my day i sign up for some stupid service club thing at school. fuckin turns out we go to a fuckin farm to pick vegetables and sht. and im allergic to bugs but whatever. then i get a call sayin i can get pickd up to go home. so i go home drop off my ex's sister and i fuckin decide to help out with tha bags just so i could see my ex. JUST BECAUSE.. and look what happens. her fuckin ex is thare. wooow. fuck my life. really. and on top of that i didnt even HAVE to help, i wanted to. so fuck me. my parents are not even talkin right now to make matters worse. so thare i was ventin to my best friend, who is pretty much the only person i can tell everything to..and she gets in trouble for talkin to me..like she can barely talk to me..cuhz of stupid shit her parents hav against me..and i just dont know what to do anymore. it's like i dont wanna fuckin come back home just because i wna avoid everythin possible that is goin on with my ex. like i just want to forget everything. and blah. i dont ever wna come back home after this day. fuck everything, fuck life. i just wanna fuck drive and never stop until im happy..fuck everything.